Final Report of a caregiver

[BenjiBoy]

My wife continued to enter her final days...little to no food, little fluids, fitful rest periods and more painful bouts and larger use of oxygen tanks in addition to her existing oxygen machines. The oxygen people were there 24/7 and never took advantage of us. My medical insurance agent acted more like a caring brother than a man who sold insurance.

I managed to add a pain management doctor to her medical care group but it was only marginally helpful. Then a final surge of discomfort to her body and mind.

Yesterday she passed away from heart failure. She was at home as she wished and was never alone. Don't believe that this was a relief or like a scene from a hallmark movie as it certainly was not!

I had made plans for cremation and was given a set-price, in writing....it wasn't honored and I had to find another provider and at a final cost of 16,500 mxp. Not much more but annoying.  It doesn't matter who the first company was as I think there are defects throughout the industry. Then three trips to different locations to obtain the death certificate. I was aided by neighbors, people I hardly had interacted with but who jumped in...such as a doctor who filled out the final long form and wouldn't take any payment and too many others who embraced me and expressed their honest regrets for my loss....if you have to experience this kind of loss.....be grateful for the Mexican culture and hope they never give up their caring ways.

I shared this, as my wife had agreed, to offer our travel experiences to the end. Maybe someone else will gain from what we did right and avoid what I did wrong.

I wish I had been more decisive and not waffled as things surprised us....but we both kept our promises and I am proud of that. Some advice from several of you was very, very helpful and some of you should have just read my blog and moved on.....but mostly....I never felt that I was doing this experience all alone and for that....THANKS.

Fred Habacht

[Ferret]

I am so very sorry for your loss Fred. You have been a trooper throughout this ordeal and an honourable, loving and giving husband right to the end. Take a deep breath and relax knowing that you fulfilled your wife's wishes.

[BenjiBoy]

Ferret...thank you BUT I need to admit that I would lose my temper when I went without sleep for many nights and that it wasn't all "wine and roses." She was the better person in this couple and I was lucky that she let me ride along .....and now I will never be the same....taking "a breath...." or not.

[Ferret]

None of us are the same afterwards. You have a lifetime of memories to draw from for sustenance. Do not dwell on the few negatives.

[ibarra]

We assume your daughter arrived Monday as you previously indicated.  It is nice your family was together for the transition. You are in our thoughts.    Breathe in, breathe out!  One breath at a time.

[pappysmarket]

Time does not heal but it softens the blow. You did exactly what you promised when you spoke your wedding vows. You are a shining example to us all, thank you both.

[vetteforron]

Fred, my deepest condolences. I am not in Joco anymore but I am honored to have known Barbara. 

[kam]

My condolences for your loss, thanks for sharing your journey with us and admiration for the care and love you showed your wife.

[RickS]

Fred I am without words to adequately describe my feelings as to how you... and Barbara... handled her final journey. I can only  say that my wish is that I can even come close to handling the situation as honestly and bravely as you did!  Thank you for sharing. Those of us who don't even know you have had our hearts lifted by your actions and your words.

AND.... thank you for sharing how wonderful your Mexican friends, neighbors and associates were to you and Barbara. You were and are truly blessed by their presence in your life.

 

[Natasha]

Fred, never ever ever blame yourself for any mistakes you may have unwittingly made along the way.  After all it's not like you'd been able to have "practise runs". You and Barbara accomplished what very few others could have/would have been willing to do..... together..... once learning all those years ago there would  never be a chance of a reversal for her.  Your sharing of this journey will most certainly help others  who may arrive at this type of crossroad in making future plans/decisions.... whether they follow in your footsteps or choose an alternate path.

You're BOTH to be admired, and I just hope her beloved dog was at her side, and she was conscious of that, as you'd told me how much it meant to her.

CONDOLENCIAS PROFUNDAS amigo.  Que descansa en paz, amiga.   🙏

[luvsdawgs]

I am so sorry for your loss and admire the way you honored Barbara's wishes. May she rest in peace and may you remember all the good years the two of you had together. Please accept my deepest condolences. 

[Tingting]

Fred, I am so sorry for your loss. Please remember that you're human. You were bound to have days that were less "wine and roses" and more "vinegar and crabgrass." We're human and we're going to experience all sorts of moods when someone we love is suffering. Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into the journey you traveled. I think you've helped many of us realize we need to plan ahead and not take anything for granted. As for Mexican culture...I couldn't agree more. Again, I am truly sorry for your loss.

[Irish Gal]

Sending my condolences to you, Fred, at this very sad time.   You supported Barbara in having her last wish, i.e. to pass at home.  Most want that but few are able to achieve that.   Know that you did your very best and at the same time, you are human.    I'm sure you have had many happy and memorable times over the years. Hold these close to your heart.  After listening to the Open Circle talk, I realized that I had met Barbara on more than one occasion.   💔

[BenjiBoy]

Thank you for your comment....BUT, my wife NEVER spoke at open circle....that person shown was not my wife. She was not able, at that time, to even leave the house without oxygen assistance. I don't believe that you meant any harm but you should remove that post or admit that the person was not my wife.

Thanks

Fred Habacht

[Irish Gal]

7 minutes ago, BenjiBoy said:

Thank you for your comment....BUT, my wife NEVER spoke at open circle....that person shown was not my wife. She was not able, at that time, to even leave the house without oxygen assistance.

I'm sorry for the confusion, Fred.   I clicked on the Open Circle post.  I did think that person looked too healthy to be terminally ill.  

[BenjiBoy]

16 hours ago, NEWMtnMama said:

So sorry for your loss Fred. Barbara left us all with a gift when she spoke at Open Circle a few months ago: 

 

That woman is not BARBARA HABACHT. She could never have made that presentation. She needed 24/7 oxygen and could not stand unaided.

PLEASE CORRECT THIS>

[NEWMtnMama]

2 hours ago, BenjiBoy said:

Thank you for your comment....BUT, my wife NEVER spoke at open circle....that person shown was not my wife. She was not able, at that time, to even leave the house without oxygen assistance. I don't believe that you meant any harm but you should remove that post or admit that the person was not my wife.

Thanks

Fred Habacht

I am so sorry for the confusion. I removed the post 

[BenjiBoy]

I feel that I should complete my report on the rest of the process as most USA SS receivers will have to face this someday.

Paperwork and ashes received from the funeral service...it was neither pleasant nor unpleasant Then, I placed a call to USA SS to report the death....34 minutes on hold....then, surprise...a very helpful agent....my wife died three days before her next SS payment would have been earned so it is clawed back....the October payment will be stopped and I will never see it...an unexpected telephone appointment with SS, (they will call me) on October 3rd to determine if I will receive the $255.00 usa dollar  burial payment allowance.....and now....the promised healing that I have been promised should begin.

Fred Habacht

[BenjiBoy]

Mas info:

My daughter flies home on Domingo on Delta and my attorney has obtained a permit for the ashes that she will be carrying to Georgia....that saves on shipping costs and Mexican/ USA inspections........I am learning skills that I wish I didn't need but some of you can use....so please ask if I have info that you need.

Fred

[BenjiBoy]

The Ghouls appear:

My wife had a worthless sister...only would call to complain about her life and lack of money, never asked how my wife was feeling...chastised us for moving to Mexico etc...now she has called several times asking for my wife's watch, and her other valuables.....then there is the drunken, unsuccessful son from her first marriage....who only borrowed money that was never paid back and accused me of killing his mother...."can I have some of my mom's figurines and some  letters from President Kennedy and Carter..."

Add that to my blog for your reading pleasure.....and guess what I am not doing!!!!!

Fred

[Ferret]

This is not the first time that I've heard about of this kind of behaviour from "grieving" relatives. Just send them an invoice for their share of the costs involved in Barbara's care. Or not. Up to you. But I bet it will shut them up. Stay strong!

[BenjiBoy]

My response to the drunk is "YOU WILL GET NOTHING" and my response to the uncaring sister is "there is nothing left for you to have."

Fred