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BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were placed in U.K. newspapers.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.  
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES  
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


FREE PUPPIES. 
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences

in a single bound.

 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. 
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.  
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

 

 

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 


Statement of the century  
Thought from the greatest living Scottish thinker

-- Billy Connolly: "If women are so bloody

perfect at multitasking, how come they can't

have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 

 

Children are quick

 

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got

here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing

your math multiplication on the floor?

 

JOHN: You told me to do it without

using tables.

 

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell

'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you

asked me how I spell it.

 

(I love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the

chemical formula for water?

 

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking

about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's

H to O.

 

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one

important thing we have today that

we didn't have ten years ago.

 

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always

get so dirty?

 

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the

ground than you are.

 

 

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well, dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "Will you please be quiet?" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma'am?"

She replies, "Only when he's been drinking."

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