The Truth About The Truth

By Neil McKinnon

 

D0805AM1We here at the Tuckahoe Institute of Mismanaged Budgets for Inane Times (TIMBIT) have decided that it’s time we clarified the state of the world’s economy. Granted, you may find a few illuminating tidbits (not TimBits) in the musings of Ben Bernanke, Stephen Harper and Sarah Palin, but we believe a recent press release by our own researchers, Dr. Dick Trickle and Dr. Fern Dibblecheek, says it all. Following is a copy of that release:

Recent figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off, meaning that there is a slow, but noticeable slowing down of the slowdown. It should be noted that a slowing up of the slowdown is not as good as an upturn in the downturn, but it is better than a speedup of the slowdown or a deepening of the down curve; and it may lead to an adjustment of the readjustment.

Turning to unemployment, we find a decrease in the rate of increase, which means a letting up of the letdown. Of course, if the slowdown should speed up, the decrease in the rate of increase would turn into an increase in the rate of decrease (the deceleration would be accelerated).

Indicators suggest a levelling off followed by a gentle pick up, then a speedup of the pick up, a slowdown of the pickup, and then a levelling out. It is difficult to tell before the end of the slowdown whether a pickup is going to happen quickly although the climate is right for a fast pickup—especially if you are single and driving a red convertible.

The institute is offering the following courses to help people cope with the current economic malaise:

Money Can Make You Rich

How to Make $100 in Real Estate

Talking Good: Improve Communication and Get a Better Job

Career Opportunities in Iran

How to Profit From Your Own Body

Tax Shelters for the Indigent

Looters Guide to U.S. Cities

Convert Your Family Room into a Hostel

Basic Kitchen Taxidermy

The Dummy’s Guide to Vacuuming

Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity

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