By Carolyn Comedo
DEAR CAROLYN: Some years ago I met Eduardo on a double date. He swept me off my feet and we eloped. Soon I discovered that he was already married so I sent him packing. Later I heard that he had died so I got married again to José. Then I discovered that the rumour that Eduardo had died was not true. Shortly after this, José passed away. My questions are: Am I a widow? Am I a bigamist? Who is my real husband—Eduardo or José? I must know these things so that, during confession, I can tell Father Alonzo with which man I committed adultery. Also I need to know if I must get divorced before I can marry again as Eduardo wants to rekindle our old romance.
DEAR MARY: You should be able to divorce José on the grounds of desertion. Then you won’t be a widow, a bigamist or an adulteress. Also, it’s not necessary to divorce Eduardo before you remarry him.
DEAR CAROLYN: How many orgasms is it possible for a woman to achieve in one session?
DEAR MULTI: There is no limit. Leotard Princeski, a peasant woman from Moldova started to orgasm on May 29th, 1984 and continued until 1902 when old age and senility caused her to forget what she was doing.
DEAR CAROLYN: I’m a male student in my first year at university. In my program I’m forced to take a classics course which I don’t think is relevant. Can you tell me why I have to know about old Greek guys like Pericles or Sophocles when my main interest is athletics?
DEAR PERPLEXED: The ancient Greeks have much to say to people in today’s world. For example, Pericles was a famous statesman who pioneered democracy for ordinary citizens. Sophocles wrote incredible plays. Themistocles was a brilliant military man. If you are not interested in politics, literature or the military perhaps you may find inspiration in the life of another famous Athenian, the great Greek athletic supporter, Testicles.
DEAR CAROLYN: How big is an average penis?
DEAR SHORTY: The size of a penis depends on its global positioning, the phase of the moon and a multiplicity of metaphysical factors. For example, during January in Saskatchewan the penis becomes completely dimensionless. Similarly, its magnitude has been known to go missing around the time of one’s second anniversary.