Dear Portia

Advice to the Lovelorn, the Drastically Distracted and the Deeply Disgruntled

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Dear Portia,

I am twelve years old. I am shocked. Playboy Magazine says it’s dropping the nudes. I can get to grips with it no longer. Can you help?

 A . Portnoy (please excuse the shaky typing )

Dear   Mr. Portnoy,

What a complaint!  Yes, shout it proud and loud. “Hef” naturally consulted me, Speaking for all twelve years olds like you, I said ‘no.’ But then, what man takes no for an answer? Get a good job and you get a shout, so their new nude free spree makes it big again. (sic) Grow up disgustingly. Remember life depends on the liver. Me? It’s on with the Burka and off to The Mansion. “ Mr. Hefner. I’m ready for my close up.” “Geddit ?!*@”

Dear Portia,

I plead on behalf of our group HHHH  (High Heels for Hairy He-men).So rarely sighted, so sorely missed, high heels make our day. Please help spearhead a campaign to bring them back big time.

Hairy He Man

Dear Hairy He (Heh) Man,

Sounds like your group are as keen wearers as watchers. My 248 lb. boyfriend once tried on my stilettos. He keeled over and fell heavily on top of me. That was in 1986. So began a romance that lasts to this day. I am your champion. Rise to it girls on platforms. Boot the flats into oblivion. Crunch the cobblestones with the pin sharp heels.  Sprains, strains and broken ankles now become a mere Chimera. Start today show a shapely leg the way God intended, six inches off the ground. You know it makes sense. But first, ask your Doctor if high heels are right for you!

Dear Portia,

I am so angry that we keep having to change the time!! My beauty sleep is disturbed, and my social life suffers as the darkness closes in. Can’t we just leave one thing the same?

Dreading Darkness

Dear Dread,

While many believe that the time change has to do with a long forgotten war effort, or the energy crisis, Portia knows the truth! There is a Committee of Crones, working with the Major Conspirators, who carefully guard the darkness. Early on they realized that their aging beauty fared better in candle light. Never mind the increase in pedestrian deaths and a slowing of workplace productivity, all agreed that extending the half-life of aging faces in restaurants, bars and other social venues was well worth the price. So, either move to the equator, or count your blessings!


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