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GRINGAS & GUACAMOLE

By Gail Nott

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I am fearful that U.S. television programming may have resulted in the death of a few million of my brain cells. This conclusion is based on the fact that I am now watching and listening to commercials, and I don’t understand them.

We have all spent hours wading through insurance forms and listening to the drone of an insurance agent. Now I learn that if you deal with a duck, I think its name is AFLAC, you can get health insurance. At least the crap you get from the duck can fertilize your garden.

Maybe it is the result of too much holiday cheer, but I still haven’t figured out what three green men, covered in blue paint, throwing themselves against a wall, are trying to sell. At first I thought they were marketing a new psychotropic drug to control aberrant behavior. Sure, I am going to give my money to an investment firm who is encouraging people to paint their bodies and self-abuse.

Daily, I see the joggers, tennis players, and folks off to the gym. I appreciate this commitment to exercise and having a great body. Seems to me, however, there is an easier way. AII you have to do to have great buns and ABs is buy exercise videos. Watching well-toned male bodies in spandex, doing a rigorous exercise program, certainly will increase my heart rate and respiration.

I have been obsessing about keeping my stove and counter tops clean. It is scary to think that a squad car, with sirens blazing, may pull into my driveway, and two policemen will rush through my kitchen door with a spray bottle. Sure, the neighbors are going to believe that all this is over a little grease!

Hour after hour I am inundated with advertisements for dot coms. Perhaps someone can clarify for me what a dot com is? From the decline of the NASDAQ, I guess not too many people are buying them.

Of course a runny nose, watering eyes and sneezing are annoying; I have allergies. You better believe I plan to buy a medication that can cause a heart attack, stroke and high blood pressure. I want some relief.

I always thought I was a good pet owner. Now I am told that unless I feed my dogs a special food they won’t be able to catch a Frisbee 10 feet in the air, or retrieve a tree from a lake. This explains why my dogs never quite make it to the yard to pee.

Madison Avenue has too much confidence in my ability to reason and comprehend. I still don’t understand why Viking warriors would want to ransack my neighbor’s house if I charge Christmas presents on my credit card!

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