El Ojo del Lago

Letter to the Editor

Dear Sir:

Whoever penned the included letter has both insight and rich humor. I love it. It’s a letter to Pat Robertson from the Devil. There’s a delightful satire by C.S. Lewis called the Screwtape Letters, a collection of letters from Satan to his young nephew working as an apprentice devil on earth. The letters contain advice on how to tempt us. Uncle Devil scolds Screwtape when he messes up and offers encouragement when he does well in leading humans to sin.

The Screwtape Letters was the first thing I thought of when I read this. Pat Robertson has a habit of blaming natural disasters on immorality. The attacks on 9/11 were God’s punishment for America’s moral decay. Hurricane Katrina was God’s wrath over abortion. The disaster in Haiti was because the Haitians made a pact with the Devil so they could be free from French rule.

And now for the letter:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all for that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle.

Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

(Submitted by Fred Mittag on behalf of an anonymous writer on the Internet)