Now, You Take My Wife—Please!

 

rodneySome people have a habit of telling occasional lies, either little white lies to spare the feelings of others, or bigger lies in the interests of self preservation. Not my wife. She could never tell a lie even to save her life, or more to the point, mine.

The other evening we were returning from a night out and it was only as we turned the corner toward our house that I noticed the flashing red light in my rearview mirror. I braked to a stop and waited as the policeman approached.

“Can I please see your license and registration, Sir,” he asked.

“Well, just what is the problem, officer?” I inquired.

“You were speeding in a residential zone, sir. I am going to have to give you a ticket.”

“What!” I exclaimed. “There is no way I was speeding. I have lived in this neighbourhood for over ten years and I know what the speed limit is.”

At this point my dear wife decided it was time to render an opinion.

“Dear, you know you were going too fast. How many times have I told you to slow down in this area?”

Undaunted, I gave her a withering look and told her in no uncertain terms that she should keep her opinions to herself. At which point the policeman spoke again. “And I notice, sir, that you are not wearing a seat belt. I will have to ticket you for that as well.”

“What are you talking about!” I sputtered. “I was wearing a seat belt until you pulled me over.”

Once more my wife, ever helpful, ventured another comment. “You know, dear, you should be truthful with this officer. You did not have your seatbelt on. How many times have I told you that you should always wear your seatbelt?”

Before I could get control, the expletives were flying like darts in the direction of my loving spouse as I tried to calculate the cost of the infractions I now faced.

Suddenly the policeman walked around to the other side of the car and speaking directly to my wife, inquired: “Does your husband always speak to you in this fashion?”

“Oh, no, Officer. Only when he’s been drinking!”

They finally released me in the morning.

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