Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
If you’re in hell with someone, and you’re still mad at them, where do you tell them to go?
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I’ve now arranged to be buried at sea.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Some folks are so eager to find fault, you’d think there’s a reward.
Life is like a doughnut. You’re either in the dough or in the hole.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
I wish my mouth had a backspace key.
I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side.
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
Sometimes I just can’t prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you’re mooning everyone behind you.