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World’s Worst Puns
(Written by various people with too much time on their hands)
—I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
—Police were called to a day care where a three-yr-old was resisting a rest.
—Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
—The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
—The butcher backed up into the meat grinder & got a little behind in his work.
—To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
—When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
—The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
—A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
—A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
—When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
—The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
—A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
—A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
—A will is a dead giveaway.
—Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
—A backward poet writes inverse.
—In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
—A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
—If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
—Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I’ll show you A-flat miner.
—The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
—A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
—You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
—A calendar’s days are numbered.
—A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
—A boiled egg is hard to beat.
—He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
—Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
—When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
—When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
—Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
—Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
—Acupuncture: a jab well done