Nifty One-Liners

• Nostalgia is a device that removes the ruts and the potholes from Memory Lane.
• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I drove my wife to the airport.
• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
• Last night our high school band played Beethoven. Beethoven lost, 12 to 7.
• A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met.
• George Washington’s brother was the uncle of our country.
• I have enough money to last me the rest of my life... unless I buy something.
• Did you hear about the two blond thieves that stole a calendar? They each got six months.
• I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
• Love is like a roller coaster: when it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t, you can’t wait to throw up.
• What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
• A chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
• I don’t eat snails... I prefer fast food!
• Filthy stinking rich... Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
• You know you’re in a small town when everyone knows whose credit is good and whose wife isn’t.
• Marriage is like a violin; after the sweet music is over, there are still strings attached.